In kindergarten, while other little girls were wearing pink printed leggings and cute graphic shirts, I was stuck with what my mom had picked out for me every single morning – bell bottom jeans and various fleece jackets. From kindergarten to fifth grade my mother dressed me like we owned a horse ranch. I will admit, I was a bit of a weird kid, but at the time I could get away with it because, hey, every kid in elementary school is a little weird. So I rocked my horse-girl outfit with no complaints. 

Once sixth grade hit, however, it became increasingly aware to me that I could no longer rock my turtle-necked sweaters. 

This is a story of a little girl who has never quite figured out why she “fit out.” I’ve spent my whole life constantly feeling out of place or invisible and I’m sure there are other girls out there who have felt, or still feel, the same. I want them to know that it does get better, and if you continue reading, hopefully you come out of this feeling more seen because I do truly see you. 

In middle school, other girls were quickly finding their styles and following the latest trends. So I felt the need to fit in. Out went my bell bottoms and in came plain black leggings, Nike sweatshirts, and you guessed it, an outrageous amount of definitely-not-dress-code-permitted crop tops. While I most definitely did not feel like myself, I didn’t quite know what I should feel like in the first place, so adapting to my surroundings was the only way. Finally I was fitting in with my peers…or so I thought. 

Throughout the beginning of middle school I felt like a sheep in wolf’s clothing, trying to be as viciously confident as other girls were. While I dressed almost the same as all of the other girls who were deemed “popular,” I still was seen as unorthodox in my behavior. It wasn’t like I was disruptive during class or annoying or even gross. I just didn’t like the same things other girls my age were getting into. 

The baseline was: I didn’t have Snapchat, I didn’t play sports, I didn’t have the newest Nike slides and I definitely did have a bedtime.

So what does a middle school girl in my position do? Obviously dye her hair bright pink and then cut it down to her shoulders six months later. At this time, little seventh grade Evelyn had discovered a style online known as “alternative.” This was the beginning of me finding myself. I had an epiphany in the middle of seventh grade that if I was going to be treated differently for no reason, then I might as well give everyone a reason.  So I started dressing in Hot Topic attire and learning how to do eyeliner (and man, was it addicting. I could not, for the life of me, go one day without eyeliner). 

Honestly, dressing this way felt pretty bada**. Of course, I was judged and laughed at by my peers, but I felt like me. For once that weird, off-putting little girl inside of me finally felt proud of who she was and astonished that she could express herself in a way she liked. 

Seventh through ninth grade marked my period of wearing all black, silver-chained jewelry and cutting my hair shorter and shorter. 

However, by sophomore year I feared that dressing like this would never attract the type of boys I thought were cute. It would only attract their unoriginal comments. I’ll admit, by this time, I did care about how I looked. High school boys are absolutely atrocious in their behavior and I didn’t want to be a target. So yet again, I switched styles. Black and chains were out, but I still kept the eyeliner. 

I ended up growing my hair, investing in baggy jeans, tight little shirts and explored different genres of music. Music is what carried me through my sophomore year of high school and it inspired my new style. I found that the type of music I listened to was linked to many different fashion styles, from late 70’s and 90’s fashion to genre styles like “downtown girl” or “grunge.” 

Now it is my senior year, and I feel at the height of my personal fashion. What I’ve learned in the past 17 years is that the only thing that matters is if I like how I look. My mental rule book says: if my outfit is aesthetically pleasing to myself, then I should wear it. I’m allowed to say no to whatever my mom picks out for me at the store, and, ultimately, the laws of intermingled stripes and polka dots don’t apply to me. 

Now, I am much more confident in my appearance and I have fun putting together intricately thought-out outfits for the next day. I take joy in cluttered jewelry, creative eyeliner art, layered shirts and a range of skirt lengths. I shop at popular “street-wear” stores, out-of-style stores, and even second-hand shops. But most of all, I love how I stand out. 

So reader, if you haven’t found your style yet, don’t worry. It’s okay to branch out and try a new you or even intermix them. If what makes you feel happy and comfortable is leggings and sweatshirts, wear them! If you feel coolest in your Hightop Converse and off-the-shoulder band T-shirts, don’t settle for something floral. 

Determining your style does not happen overnight. It is something that you have to experiment with because sometimes, you don’t realize immediately that it isn’t for you. I still love the alternative style, but I have put my own twist on it, not conforming strictly to just one genre. 

The worst that can happen if someone doesn’t like your style is a side-eye and a muffled chuckle. While that seems absolutely terrifying for some people, just remember that those are apparently the people you don’t want to associate yourself with anyways. 

Ironically, you may even find that some of the clothes you once disliked now suit your style best. After all, I do own a couple pairs of bell bottoms and wear them with newfound confidence.